Mud, Muck, and Manure

I see pictures. I see a smile. I see this and I hate myself. I hate myself for seeing that. I don’t want to see anything. I just want to be me. I was okay. I was purely and blissfully and gleefully happy. I had forgotten everything and for a moment was absolutely wonderful. I then remembered. I then thought about him for just one moment. I thought that maybe he would write me a note for my birthday. But no note came. And now I am unhappy. Now all I can think of is the way he moves and the way he talks. And then I am miserable not because of how wonderful he is…but because I can’t stop myself for picturing this inside my head. I can’t stop myself from doing what I most desperately don’t want to do. .I don’t want to drag myself though the think slime of this. I don’t want to be covered in this mud. I remember this time when I was sick. I had been sick for a week. I spread my sickness to my dad and he was sick in bed. It was a late winter night. Our horses had not been fed because the two caretakers were both sick. My mom does not feed the horses. Well these poor horses were hungry so they escaped the muddy corral. I had to get out of my warm bed and chase them down. Finally I got them back in this awful muddy corral and put hay out for them. By this time my head was light and I was wheezing with exertion. I could not see straight. The mud within this corral was thick and gooey. It was filled with manure and piss from the horses. It climbed high upon my boots. Up past my ankles. Even my calves in some places. Well as I was walking through I suddenly could walk no more and everything went black. Even blacker then that dark December night. When I awoke. I was deep within the muck. It was all around me. I rolled over to my hands and knees and dragged myself out and onto the pavement . I lay on the clean cement and wept. I was covered. And feeling miserable. Sick. I finally raised enough strength to find my bed once more. I lay back down and fell fast asleep. This muck I am dragging myself through. This awful dirt. I lie in it. I fall in it. And when I finally drag myself out I sleep in it. If only I would finally leave it all behind.