Unorganized Files of Emotions

I've been looking back as most people do at this time of year. As a writer I look back often and analyze every moment. Wondering. Thinking. Contemplating. And this time I was wondering what I have been pursuing. I desire to do what is right. I desire to be great. Mankind is so temporary. We are dust and ashes. I taste, see, hear, and feel. Oh, I feel. The pain in my chest is so acute. I long for so much. If it could only be put into words. I want each to be filed and complete. But this is not so. I cannot just file it away and merely pull it out when I want. No, often times it just spears my chest and fills my mind at inexplicable times. I dream a lot. Images flash across my closed eyes. Faces, moments, emotions. When I awake I realize I have not quite escaped. These files open without my consent and I shudder. Why must these memories haunt me. "No more," I cry, "No more." If only I could cut them out forever. Burn them. But this is not so. Have you seen the movie Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind? Well, I haven't, but I do know that it's about a girl and a guy who has all memories of each other removed because it's too painful to remember anymore. Sometimes I wish this procedure existed because then I would not continue to fall. I fall, fall, fall. I never quite smash against the rocks on the bottom. Instead I continue to hope that I will fly in the end. That right before the rocks I will magically fly into the clouds. Sometimes I wish I would just smash into millions of pieces and perhaps when I finally put myself together again I won't have those memories anymore.